CryAlone moment

i was listening to the azan zohor in my office,
and suddenly i started crying.
and instead of reaching  for the tissue,

i locked my door
and continued crying
pouring really.
like a sad news that came
a heart that just  got broken
like something i knew i had to do.

(plus i also locked the door as i do look ugly crying. no joke)

i let the stream down through out the whole azan.

suddenly the saying "its ok to cry alone" keeps repeating
and it came in a good way,

repeatedly reminding me that
"go ahead, let it out
u will feel fine. i promise."

these few days, load of things are heavy in my mind.
about work of course

way forward in work, fate in where i am right now

i call this "bisikan setan"
i also call this PMS
hormones too, if you have to,

as i know Allah has plan all this out.
i need to keep faith in all his doings

the azan followed by the cryAlone moment
did bring me a faithFeeling
that i will be alright.
that i will be fine
that even as i always will (be fine)
that its okay to feel a bit defeated once in a while
to feel a little less strong
and cry.
just.

#RememberMeThisWay

i never plan to grow up,
yet i just  realised maturing keeps cropping up

the anger that use to haunt me every time im being judged,
has now turn into an understanding and assumption that the judged,
was once judged themselves before,

the meaning of Love,
was always about falling for self first
before anything, anyone.

beauty has always been in me,
its just a matter of time for it to bloom,

being happy,
was always about expecting nothing and celebrating everything

real friendships
has no rhythm , has no rhyme

#rememberMeThisWay
#PengaruhPMS
#PalingMahaSakitnya

i forgive u

i just came out from a meeting and i am not sure if im upset, furious, sad, terkilan
maybe all.

i just foud out today that my top bos is not sure wht i am doing in the organization.
and worst,  asks openly in a meeting.
bole?

i was so shocked, i fell silent, numb even, in my mind im visioning me running to him, knock him off his seat and scream my lungs out then biting his head off
(ally mcBeal scene ni, honest)

yes im angry and sad kut at the same time.

more so, before he asked openly. i was explaining how obvious what my job is. I felt so proud that i raised pertinent points, only to be shoot down, that top boss dont even know where my focus is.

damn it, i even keep raising my hand to give opinion about this area, and still u had to ask tht question.

im angry because in a lot of ways it made me  look stupid. there i was raising inputs, points, pandangan and ure not sure wht my area is. Its as if i am buzy body-ing myself on other people issues. Kinda of like telling me shut it , this is not ure area.Yes im angry because he asked me in public

then i got sad. as t got me that maybe im that "invisible" in this area. this could be a result that my subordinates never emphasis my presence and responsibility in this area. which got me thinking, am i not that relevant/ important enough to be worth mentioning. Im the head unit for good sake!

as im blogging in my room. long lunch. hungry and still upset. had good coffee.
im feeling, calm. forgiving.
i should educate him more on what i do.
i am not the only officer he has, he's probably to occupied with tso many issues, i should really let this slide off.
people make mistakes, kan. Dengan tidak sengaja memalukan pegawainya sendiri
or on the twist of this, malukan diri sendiri for not knowing wht ure officers are doing.
ok calmer calmer.

oh demm the coffee is so good
i forgive u , stupidBongok top boss.

Lalalalalalalla

the rendition of friendships in my life

Hy!

is that a common way to start over the blog ive killed for years? haha
its like wishing to a grave, knowing no such reply will return.
maybe the wind will blow bit stronger suddenly, or shrieking of such pontianak.
ah well.

im not sure wht exact reason to this sudden update here.
many possibilities really:
:Im nearing 40 and im feeling matured hence maturing is making want to blog so?
: ive got a friend, passionate in writing wanting to start blogging, that it got me too?
:or maybe because i want to share on this particular post ie about friends, that i had to find a social media base that i know NOBODY, i repeat NOBODY  reads it, and that will make me feel freer to express, say, bitch about, gossipMuch about?
(sounds like a choice lalalalala)

in general i miss all my friends.

those i grew up with.
went to tuition together with,
attended together to bday parties (there werent many, pun)
lived just right behind/infront, side ways,
went to school together,
lepak behind the school while watching girls fight (we sri aman memang cam ni)
hang out malls with similar styled shoes (Doc Martin still rules k lala)
attended alanis morissete concert
wrote letters to
text  late night msgs about bf, teachers, bf and bf about (obvioudly not my bf)
those i attend classes at uni, the ones i signed on behalf of their attendance list (dum di dumm)
those i help translate assignments (i get paid too btw haha)
hang out bfast pagi with
hang out lunch with
hell even hangout after office pun (even those of the same person k)
those i work with
original subordinate then turn into family
bosses too from those that originally positional then become personal
those i use to live as roommates as well
those attended my wedding
tht came to ashraff's akikah/bday
pinjamkan powerbank, buku, payung for tht matter
crazy over leathers
crazy over gosiips
crazy over Malaysian Airlines
share the same passion
same policy
same taste in coffee


this list i believe should never end. the friendship too.
just because for most it is jut left as fond memories, the friendship remains.
some friends i see eDay, some ive seen in the last year, most ive never seen after a phase
some ive cheered and be happy for over socialMedia when they added another child, arranged gathering, parties
and my doa
for when there is a passing, moving away, divorced situation too.
my doa is certain, for a smooth passing, well farewell, and pleasantly accepted fate tht life goes on

i dont say goodBye.
Even if i did, it is usually followed with
al fatihah.